No one talks much about the times of “trying” to convince. So let’s talk about it. First of all, I hate the word “trying.” It insinuates that you have any real control in the matter. And when you “try”and don’t get pregnant that month- instant feels of failure and frustration come flooding in- because you were trying and it didn’t work?
I know that’s not the truth but let’s be real… that’s how it feels. Everyone’s journey to becoming parents is different. There’s some people that say they can think about getting pregnant and they are (good for them) … and then there’s some of us that… it takes time. There are people who start families with IVF treatments or adoption. They are all beautiful, perfect families. BUT as with anything, comparing your family’s story to others’ is a trap. Try really hard not to get stuck in it.
So you decide you want to start a family.
You stop whatever birth control you’ve been using and the excitement of the unknown rushes in. It’s amazing. We were so giddy. It was our little secret that no one knew we were hoping to become pregnant that month. Ovulation. With my personality I told myself I wasn’t going to start testing my ovulation right away because I would become obsessed over it and suck the joy out of it. So I had a fertility app, but didn’t necessarily track my ovulation. The two weeks between ovulation and projected period; arguably thee absolute longest two weeks of your LIFE. And in that (if you’re anything like me)…. every twinge or feeling in your body…. you must be pregnant. Not to mention that PMS symptoms are identical to early pregnancy symptoms (insert eye roll here).
Early pregnancy tests. “Oh you can test five days sooner than estimated period”; Also known as “take a pregnancy test every single day for 5 days before your missed period.” And they’re negative. Every time. Then your period comes.It’s really a roller coaster of emotions because, face it, you’re disappointed that you’re not pregnant amidst the usual PMS hormones. Every emotion heightened.
The subsequent month cycles are just about the same. You’re still excited because maybe this month is the month. But that negative test robs you of a little joy every time only one line shows.
More months pour in… and I had to get a grip on my emotions. Because every one you know is getting pregnant and every time you log onto social media there’s another pregnancy announcement of people you don’t even really know and there you are: not pregnant, but hopelessly desiring to be. Honestly, it sucks. All the terrible thoughts start flooding in now. Something has to be wrong with me. Will I ever be able to get pregnant? Are we even ready to be parents? Maybe it’s not for us. These are the lies that really steal your joy. And they’re just that- lies.
I promised myself I wouldn’t test early anymore. I would be late before testing. I promised myself I’d commit more time to praying about our future family than tracking my days on some app. I laid it down.
The thing that really was a game changer for me was time spent in prayer and the Word. I believe there’s a God who created life in the beginning, who is all powerful, who is a good God that holds back nothing good from his children.
The one scripture that I stood on was Jeremiah 1:5. It says “Before I formed you in your mothers womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart.”
BEFORE the creator started knitting my baby in this womb… he knew him. And I could rest in that. Before I knew I was pregnant… God knew this baby. He knows all your not yet conceived babies. He’s set them apart with plans and purposes. He’s a good God that can be trusted. He can handle your emotions of wanting a baby. He loves that little thing more than you do. I hope you can find rest in that.
There’s a day your baby has set before it to come earthside. In the right generation. My perspective changed when I realized how dare I want to rush that. I wanted Baby G to be born in his time, to enter school when he’s suppose to, to grow up in the time frame he’s called to. To be influential in the time he’s destined to. To turn 30 the year he’s suppose to. And the amazing part is I don’t have to know when that is…. but there’s a God who already knows it and he’s trustworthy to see it through.
And let’s talk about how His ways are so much higher than ours?! If we had gotten pregnant when we wanted to…. so many things would have been different. We got pregnant in the perfect timing that our family that lives across the country was all together to tell them. And by the time this baby is born…. BOTH sets of our parents moved to Arizona. It’s kinda a dream for me. The months of “trying” were working things out in me but also allowing time for God to orchestrate his bigger plans. And for that I’m so grateful.
The months of lonely empty wombs are worth it!!!!!
So if you’re “trying” and having a hard time…. know that was me, too.
Text me, message me because you’re not alone.
XO,
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