“It’s an elite club.” That’s what my mama told me about motherhood. I had a rough postpartum recovery and at every tough moment, when I felt down, overwhelmed, scared, disappointed… she said over and over, it’s an elite club. When she heard travvy and I walking the hallways at 3 am both crying…. “it’s an elite club”. Everyone has their own stories about how they become a mom, but one steadfast thing about becoming a mom… you gain a strength that you never knew you had. That’s what makes this sisterhood of motherhood “elite.” She was joking when she first said it but somehow I really found encouragement in it. It’s my honor and my privilege to be in this “elite club.”
During delivery I hurt my back and hip and couldn’t walk the next day. I had to start physical therapy at one week postpartum and go twice a week. It was physically painful and emotionally sad to leave my newborn twice a week to fix the damage that delivery did. I know it’s not that bad and people have it harder, but wow was it not what I expected my maternity leave to look like.
I graduated from PT and when my baby was one month old he choked while eating. You know sometimes babies cough and choke a little but this one lasted a little too long. He turned blue. Motherhood, it’s an elite club. I sat him up and panicked as his eyes were bulging like “save me mama.” I flipped him over to do back thrusts and finallllly a gasp. Longest few seconds of my life. I called his pediatrician because I knew in my gut something was wrong. He choked every single feeding. Every one. He was aspirating, I knew it. We saw the doctor and they sent us over to the children’s hospital for a swallow study. Aspiration. (His milk is going down the wrong pipe into his lungs instead of his tummy).
Walking into that children’s hospital with my newborn was gut wrenching. But wow was I thankful that I got to take him home. I know there are so many babies that don’t have that privilege and I’m just so grateful we are figuring this thing out.
During the next week while we waited to see the GI specialist we tried everything that the speech language pathologist told us. Eating upright, no breastfeeding, thickening the milk, keeping him alert, burping every once. And he continued to choke. and choke. and choke.
One time I was feeding him and the choking started and wouldn’t relent and there was my baby, blue. I knew I had to do cpr. Or rescue breaths. I never want to do cpr on any child let alone my own baby. And there I was doing it. It took three breaths and finally he cleared. YOU GUYS. Motherhood, it’s an elite club.
Strength I never knew I had. I believe motherhood strength is this mantle mamas carry for their babies. No matter what your journey from pregnancy, delivery, postpartum..strength rises up.
The anxiety around feeding time was real. I actually dreaded feeding my baby because I didn’t know if he’d need cpr too. Like what? I didn’t sign up for this. I wanted the “lay on the couch and binge on Netflix shows” kinda maternity leave.
Motherhood, it’s an elite club.
Peace comes though. I know this God that’s the Prince of Peace. And you know what I’ve learned about motherhood? I think it’s impossible without prayer. Honestly I know prayer is powerful, but wow the power of a praying mama. The song Reckless Love is just amazing but the verse that gives me chills is the “before I took a breath you breathed your life in me” and I’ve prayed and worshiped that over Travvy every day, every night, every feeding. I trusted God with his first breath and he’s trustworthy for every breath until his last one.
Around six weeks Travis started to cough. To really cough and clear on his own while choking. He’s doing better every day. There’s some days he only chokes once or twice and I’m so so thankful.
Oh and we found out two weeks ago that Travvy has torticollis. A tightness in his neck that causes him to favor looking one direction causing him to have a flat spot on his head causing ultimately his face to be asymmetrical. Thus…. Travvy with the seemingly roundest head is getting a helmet. They took 3 D photos and wow is it crazy. I’ll do a separate post about this soon but the cutest baby in a helmet is coming soon. We’ve also ramped up tummy time to and hour a day and lots of neck stretches and repositioning. Not that it’s a huge deal but let’s face it… I didn’t want him to have a helmet. Maybe it’s materialistic? But who wants their kid to have to wear a plastic helmet for 23 hours a day in the dead summer of ARIZONA. He’ll be the cutest cheeks in that helmet but I hope they can get wet because you’ll find us in the pool.
Anyways, it all just goes to show that motherhood has looked nothing like I thought it would. More doctors appointments than I ever wanted but I’m thankful for this perfect boy I get to call son. It has looked nothing like I thought it would, but WOWWWWWZERS do I love this little boy more than I ever thought I could. A mama’s heart is unmatched. The love of a mother, I really don’t think there are adequate words to describe how deep it is. With everything in me- I love that little tiny person that can’t even speak yet. Motherhood, it’s and elite club.
It’s still hard to call myself “mom” because that name has been reserved for the best girl I know, my mom. She’s everything. Everything I want to be as a mom. Thanks mom for momming so well. You made it look so easy and now I’m realizing it’s far from easy. Oh, and you were right, about everything.
To all the Mamas out there- you’re amazing. Your babies are grateful for you. Thanks for loving so well, for shaping your babies’ future. I’m getting pretty passionate about mamas because WE ARE RAISING UP THE FUTURE…. And sometimes that can feel like a heavy burden to bear. But you’re not alone!!! You’re fullyyyy equipped to be everything your children need. You’re doing it mama. Motherhood, it’s an elite club.
To all the mamas who I look up to you… gosh there are too many to list. And all my mama friends who take my thousands of questions…. thank you. It’s an honor to do this mamahood journey with you.
XO,
