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You might think resolutions are cliche or picking a “word” for the year is trendy, that’s fine, I don’t 🙂 When thinking about this next year I didn’t have many “goals” that I could think of. I tried and tried to think of something that wasn’t the same old … loose weight, save money, be a better version of me blah blah… All that is great but let’s be real it’s the same story, different year. I also think if we aren’t intentional about making a change or implementing something new, nothing changes. So I was praying about 2019 and the word “margin” kept coming to mind. Margin. Margin…. Margin. “You need margin.”

“Margin is the space between our load and our limits. It is the amount allowed beyond that which is needed. It is something held in reserve for contingencies or unanticipated situations. Margin is the gap between rest and exhaustion, the space between breathing freely and suffocating. Margin is the opposite of overload. If we are overloaded we have no margin. Most people are not quite sure when they pass from margin to overload. Threshold points are not easily measurable and are also different for different people in different circumstances.”

Richard Swenson, MD

I was really only familiar with the word in regard to finances but it goes far beyond.

In every aspect of my life, I want margin. It doesn’t just happen.. I’m finding I have to fight for it.

I am SO SO sick and tired and straight up frustrated that for my life… I have been consuming EVERYTHING. Financially, sure. But so much more than that.

With my time… Every. single. moment. of my days are filled with something.

Every. single. day of the week on my calendar is filled with something. Every. single. week of my month flies by because we are focusing on something. Every. single. weekend of my month is booked solid with something. Every. single. month is filled with something.

“Something” like what do I even have to show for all this busyness? Sure some fun events and memories. But I’m really frustrated by the fact that from wake up to bedtime our days are FULL. Of I’m not even sure what?

my goal for 2019: restoring emotional, physical, financial and time reserves to my life.

This year, we are taking serious control of our schedules and PUSHING BACK from the lie that says every single day needs something and if it’s not productive, that I’m lazy.

TIME

Being so intentional with our calendar that we are on the same page with days I’m working, making, planning date nights a month out, planning time for just the three of us, planning time to be intentional with friends & family.

Being a working mom, time can be such a thief. But I’m taking control because it doesn’t have to be. I work 3, 12 hour shifts a week, meaning I leave at 6 am and get home at 8 or 8:30pm. Now that means I miss out completely on dinner with my family and bedtime with my baby 3 nights a week. So I have 4 nights left. Now those nights fill up with countless good things.. church things.. extended family things… appointments and whatever else. But saying yes to those “good” things means saying “no” to family time with the three of us. It means “no” to creating dinner and bedtime routines, “no” to talking about our day around the table, “no” to bath time and bedtime reading and singing and praying and snuggling before bed, all which are my favorite time with my son. So it sounds selfish… but as a mama, I think it’s my job to carve out the SPACE AND MARGIN in our lives so that this little family of mine is the priority.

FINANCIAL

We have big financial goals for 2019. Honestly, they’re kinda impossible to the naked eye but we are believing for a miracle! One thing that really helps us and we are going back to this year is a monthly budget meeting.

We started this when we first got married because I was SO annoyed with we’d sit down to dinner or on the phone or on the couch or really all the time and had to talk about finances. We instated a rule that we sit down and talk finances for the next month… and then unless theres something that comes up… we don’t talk about finances at dinner.. or on the couch.. or on the phone. Because who even wants to do that ? Not me. It helps us be on the same page and we do check in occasionally but we’ve already talked through the most of it. If you’re newly married or anyone really… I’d so suggest trying this. Finances in marriage can be a tough one and it creates the place for communication but also helps money not be what you’re always talking about. We also reinstated our cash system.. it keeps us a lot more accountable. Pushing back from consuming everything with little to show for it. We are also being intentional and putting a freeze on big vacations this year. We love them so much but you know …”live like no one else so you can live like no one else.” We got some things to take care of.

EMOTIONAL/PHYSICAL

This goes with the time one, but I’ve found I have to wake up early. It’s how I’m programed. But I also found I have to stay up a little later than I’d like to. Sleep can be a huge time suck for me. I love sleep. (and think its so important and you have to know how much your body needs to function) But I would love to sleep 9 or 10 hours a night but I’ve found I need to be productive in the evening hours when my baby is sleeping (where I used to just go to bed early) and carve out time in the mornings to not be as “productive” with tasks but to wake up and really spend some time reading, praying, seeking after God. Carving out time, pushing back, I think it really helps my overall mental state. Physical.. doesn’t everyone want to lose weight? HA. I added childcare onto my gym membership so we can create a routine and rhythm with the gym included. It is so good for emotional and physical health! And date nights.. I mentioned it in time but we really truly suck at it. BUT this year our marriage and family of 3 is a huge priority so we’ve set a goal to have a date night the two of us 1 time a month (I know it should be more but again… thats better than we have been doing and if we did it weekly.. that would be only 3 days we are both home for dinner and bedtime with our boy).

So here they are. The big ones that is.. I have little ones that will all fall into place if we get some margin in our lives.

I hope you’ve put some thought into your 2019 and would love to hear your word or goals too!!!! WE CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

Margin baby, margin.

XO,

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Disclaimer: I am no makeup guru or even that great at makeup for the matter. I used to take an hour minimum to get ready. Then I had a baby and let’s face it, the hours of napping are precious and will not be wasted on getting ready.

So, I looked for products that gave me the “full face of makeup” look but took a fraction of the time. I literally timed myself and this makeup routine takes me 6 minutes. Another disclaimer: I do have on eyelash extensions and that cuts down SO much because I don’t wear mascara or eyeliner…and that is why I have them. (If you’re in the East Valley and need a great girl.. lemme know).

Anyways… my favorite make up products right now. PS.. I love Sephora for a lot of reasons but a big one is that you can try mini sizes of amazing products before you buy the big ones. The checkout line is lined with travel sized products that make a perfect trial size. So before you spend a ton, get the travel size products first to see if you love it. 

Caudalie Beauty Elixir – I love this stuff. I use it as a toner before moisturizer and makeup, but you can also use it to set your makeup or freshen your face midday. It smells so clean, serious spa in a bottle. It helps with the appearance of pores and evens texture. I love it.

(Then apply whatever moisturizer you like)

Becca Face Primer– I never used to use a primer but now I am a believer. My makeup stays on way longer when I use it.

Becca Under Eye Corrector– This stuff. This has replaced concealer for me. It goes under your eyes and  reflects the light and covers dark circles well. I have some serious dark circles- thanks genetics, a baby, and 13 hour shifts. But this stuff seriously covers them, or corrects them I should say.

Makeup Forever Foundation Stick– Okay this is the product that has changed the game for me. When I was pregnant I struggled with bad acne and this was recommended to me for full coverage but supposedly doesn’t sink into your pores and cause more breakouts. It is the best foundation I have ever wore. I’ve worn everything from bare minerals to mac and this stuff wins hands down every time. It is a full coverage foundation that leaves you with a dewy look ( my fave bc I have super dry skin). It also doesn’t dry up in every wrinkle and crevice on your face  ( hello early aging).  My absolute favorite is the fact that it is in a stick form. I draw a bunch of lines on my face (forehead, cheeks, chin, neck) then use a beauty blender and blend it all together. SO QUICK. It is a thick coverage but also feels light? Idk how they do it, but I’m hooked. It isn’t the cheapest foundation but the stick lasts a long time. My color is Y225. It is thick so I don’t need to use a concealer with it. 

Too Faced Bronzer–  I literally went into Sephora and said I need a good bronzer. They recommended this one. I like it because it isn’t sparkly and it smells like chocolate. *** MOM HACK: use a little bronzer on your eyelids as shadow for a cohesive look***

Nars Blush- I don’t always wear blush but when I do, I love this one. It does have a little sparkle to it and it stays well.

Becca Highlighter- This stuff is amaze. It gives you a glow without sparkles. I use it on top of my cheek bone and nose if I’m feeling sassy. Instant “oh you’re glowing.” 

NYX Eyebrow Mascara- So sometimes if I want a fuller face or going out, I fill in my eyebrows. Let’s be honest, I’m not really that great at it and most the time end up looking way overdone. BUT, this stuff is fool proof. You brush it on like mascara and it fills in a much more natural look. I use the color Blonde.

Anddddd perfume. Because if you smell pretty- you feel pretty. I got Chanel for Christmas and have been loving it.

That’s it. No eye shadow. No liner. Fun fact: My husband hates colored lips with a passion so it’s aquaphor for me! Happy quick makeup days mamas because who has time for that?!!  You can look and feel prettier in a quick 10 minutes!

XO,

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“It’s an elite club.” That’s what my mama told me about motherhood. I had a rough postpartum recovery and at every tough moment, when I felt down, overwhelmed, scared, disappointed… she said over and over, it’s an elite club. When she heard travvy and I walking the hallways at 3 am both crying…. “it’s an elite club”. Everyone has their own stories about how they become a mom, but one steadfast thing about becoming a mom… you gain a strength that you never knew you had. That’s what makes this sisterhood of motherhood “elite.” She was joking when she first said it but somehow I really found encouragement in it. It’s my honor and my privilege to be in this “elite club.”

During delivery I hurt my back and hip and couldn’t walk the next day. I had to start physical therapy at one week postpartum and go twice a week. It was physically painful and emotionally sad to leave my newborn twice a week to fix the damage that delivery did. I know it’s not that bad and people have it harder, but wow was it not what I expected my maternity leave to look like.

I graduated from PT and when my baby was one month old he choked while eating. You know sometimes babies cough and choke a little but this one lasted a little too long. He turned blue. Motherhood, it’s an elite club. I sat him up and panicked as his eyes were bulging like “save me mama.” I flipped him over to do back thrusts and finallllly a gasp. Longest few seconds of my life. I called his pediatrician because I knew in my gut something was wrong. He choked every single feeding. Every one. He was aspirating, I knew it. We saw the doctor and they sent us over to the children’s hospital for a swallow study. Aspiration. (His milk is going down the wrong pipe into his lungs instead of his tummy).

Walking into that children’s hospital with my newborn was gut wrenching. But wow was I thankful that I got to take him home. I know there are so many babies that don’t have that privilege and I’m just so grateful we are figuring this thing out.

During the next week while we waited to see the GI specialist we tried everything that the speech language pathologist told us. Eating upright, no breastfeeding, thickening the milk, keeping him alert, burping every once. And he continued to choke. and choke. and choke.

One time I was feeding him and the choking started and wouldn’t relent and there was my baby, blue. I knew I had to do cpr. Or rescue breaths. I never want to do cpr on any child let alone my own baby. And there I was doing it. It took three breaths and finally he cleared. YOU GUYS. Motherhood, it’s an elite club.

Strength I never knew I had.  I believe motherhood strength is this mantle mamas carry for their babies. No matter what your journey  from pregnancy, delivery, postpartum..strength rises up.

The anxiety around feeding time was real. I actually dreaded feeding my baby because I didn’t know if he’d need cpr too. Like what? I didn’t sign up for this. I wanted the “lay on the couch and binge on Netflix shows” kinda maternity leave.

Motherhood, it’s an elite club.

Peace comes though. I know this God that’s the Prince of Peace. And you know what I’ve learned about motherhood? I think it’s impossible without prayer. Honestly I know prayer is powerful, but wow the power of a praying mama. The song Reckless Love is just amazing but the verse that gives me chills is the “before I took a breath you breathed your life in me” and I’ve prayed and worshiped that over Travvy every day, every night, every feeding. I trusted God with his first breath and he’s trustworthy for every breath until his last one.

Around six weeks Travis started to cough. To really cough and clear on his own while choking. He’s doing better every day. There’s some days he only chokes once or twice and I’m so so thankful.

Oh and we found out two weeks ago that Travvy has torticollis. A tightness in his neck that causes him to favor looking one direction causing him to have a flat spot on his head causing ultimately his face to be asymmetrical. Thus…. Travvy with the seemingly roundest head is getting a helmet. They took 3 D photos and wow is it crazy. I’ll do a separate post about this soon but the cutest baby in a helmet is coming soon. We’ve also ramped up tummy time to and hour a day and lots of neck stretches and repositioning. Not that it’s a huge deal but let’s face it… I didn’t want him to have a helmet. Maybe it’s materialistic? But who wants their kid to have to wear a plastic helmet for 23 hours a day in the dead summer of ARIZONA. He’ll be the cutest cheeks in that helmet but I hope they can get wet because you’ll find us in the pool.

Anyways, it all just goes to show that motherhood has looked nothing like I thought it would. More doctors appointments than I ever wanted but I’m thankful for this perfect boy I get to call son. It has looked nothing like I thought it would, but WOWWWWWZERS do I love this little boy more than I ever thought I could. A mama’s heart is unmatched. The love of a mother, I really don’t think there are adequate words to describe how deep it is. With everything in me- I love that little tiny person that can’t even speak yet. Motherhood, it’s and elite club. 

It’s still hard to call myself “mom” because that name has been reserved for the best girl I know, my mom. She’s everything. Everything I want to be as a mom. Thanks mom for momming so well. You made it look so easy and now I’m realizing it’s far from easy. Oh, and you were right, about everything.

To all the Mamas out there- you’re amazing. Your babies are grateful for you. Thanks for loving so well, for shaping your babies’ future. I’m getting pretty passionate about mamas because WE ARE RAISING UP THE FUTURE…. And sometimes that can feel like a heavy burden to bear. But you’re not alone!!! You’re fullyyyy equipped to be everything your children need. You’re doing it mama. Motherhood, it’s an elite club.

To all the mamas who I look up to you… gosh there are too many to list. And all my mama friends who take my thousands of questions…. thank you. It’s an honor to do this mamahood journey with you.

XO,

 

       

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Life is a collection of moments. There are moments that you can’t put into words, but here I am about to try. That moment. You know the moment where you know you’ll never be the same. Well 11:37pm on February 6,2018 was a moment that forever marked me; delivery of my sweet, sweet baby g.

It’s no secret that pregnancy and I were not friends. I had “morning” sickness until week 20. Huge amounts of weight gain. Swelling. Oh and the beast- preeclampsia.

When I hit 36 weeks my doctors were concerned that I had preeclampsia. My blood pressure (that is normally low) was getting higher and higher at each appointment. We did blood draws and urine tests to look for protein. Every appointment I was prepared to be sent over to the hospital. It was a roller coaster of emotions. The Friday of week 38 I had to take a second 24 hour urine test and had a follow-up Monday morning for an ultrasound to make sure baby was still doing okay. The threshold to send me to the hospital was a protein level of 300, mine was 800. My doctor told me to grab my go bag and report to the hospital… it was time to get the baby out. I looked at my mom and husband and instantly started bawling; it was time to have a baby.

So we go home, (I’ve never seen my husband move so fast- it was sweet) got everything loaded in the car), and headed to the hospital. We got checked in, on the monitor, and induction began. We had to start with cervical gels to ripen, as my body wasn’t ready for Pitocin. It was 1:00pm when we started the first gel and the gel process took us until around 9:00pm. My brothers came by the hospital and we took lots and lots of walks. The good labor started around 10:00pm- the “I can’t talk through these” contractions started and were there to stay all night. It was the fullest night of everything you can think of besides laying in bed because that was the most painful. The nurses were amazing, especially my night nurses, and helped me try everything through contractions. By morning I was exhausted from zero sleep and by 10am hadn’t made much progress with dilation but contractions were coming in hot, about every 2-3 minutes. They told me my induction could be three days long… and in that moment curled into a ball in pain.. I opted for an epidural. My anesthesiologist was incredible. It was perfect. I could move and feel my legs, but the pain was relieved. I managed to get a few hours of napping in. I finally started to progress dilation wise and was having 5 contractions in 10 minutes so they couldn’t start Pitocin because I was contracting so much. By 2pm the contractions slowed so they started the Pitocin.

I progressed through the afternoon and by 6pm I had dilated to a 5! By change of shift I was getting ancy and excited that we were having this baby soon! My night shift nurse came in around 7 and said that I likely was not having this baby until the next day. We were all bummed out. All my family went home because it was going to be a long night again and no sign of baby coming soon.

At this point, I’m starving (dreaming about In-N-Out for whatever reason) frustrated, exhausted and getting more and more uncomfortable. The pain was starting to ramp back up- I asked my nurse to call anesthesia back for medication because wow was I uncomfortable. I told her things were changing and sorry for TMI, but to keep it 100 honest…. I kept telling everyone, “wow it feels like there is a bowling ball in my butt and I NEED to push.” That got my nurse’s attention. She checked me and sure enough- 100% effaced, 10 cm dilated, 0 station. I was having this baby. She called my doctor frantically who came in and confirmed- it was baby time. She had me do some practice pushing then left and let me labor down for 30 minutes and would come back in for game time. That 30 minutes was the most intense leading up to pushing. We called all my family back! Oh and it was too late for more medication so that sweet epidural got turned OFF. It actually was perfect. My sensation was coming back in time to push so I got to feel delivery like I had wanted to all along. My mom & husband were in the room and my MIL was in Hawaii and Facetime-d in!

I am struggling with finding words for how amazing delivery was. It is hard to explain until you do it, I guess. The most exhilarating, intense, excruciatingly painful, exciting, overwhelming, beautiful, amazing experience of my whole life. I loved every single second. I could feel contractions and my amazing team of doctors and nurses let me tell them when I needed to push. They coached me and cheered me on as another team scrambled to get the room ready for the baby’s arrival. I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. So…. I pushed for 45 minutes, again best 45 minutes of life. It felt like 10 minutes. Pushing relived the pain and I knew we were getting closer to meeting sweet baby g.

There were some scary moments. My doctor is amazing, she is so calm and soft spoken but during some pushes she kept saying, “he’s just too big” and I wasn’t progressing. There were moments I felt for sure I was going for a C section. I was exhausted and didn’t think I had much left in me but my doctor looked me dead in the face and said with seriousness, “Vanessa, I need a baby on this next push.” They were losing his heart rate on the monitor and I could feel how imperative it was to get him out, ASAP. Its crazy how your mama power kicks in and you bet I got that baby out in the next push. The minute they put him on my chest, shoot I cry just thinking about it, was perfect. Every sound in the background went silent and all that mattered in the whole world was that second. That second I met my son for the first time. That second that marked me. That second I became a mom. That second I had no clue I could love so deep. It was in THAT second that I was forever marked and will never ever be the same.

The euphoria of the moment came to a quick end as little man didn’t cry as much as they would have liked so the nurses swooped him up and over to work on him. He was fine, just alert and taking in the whole world. They riled him up a bit and that sound of the loud cry was so comforting. Meanwhile… the doctor worked on me. You mamas that have had babies know… and my baby was 9 pounds 5 ounces, so yeah there’s that. Again, my sweet soft-spoken doctor was yelling for more sutures and saying “there’s too much blood, theres too much blood.” How comforting, right? I could definitely feel myself hemorrhaging. I glanced over at the table of buckets of blood and gauzes soaked in blood- poor choice. I kept asking my doctor, “Am I okay? Am I okay?” BUT, my sweet husband grabbed my face and looked at his and I remember we just kept saying the name of Jesus. We concentrated on the music playing and it was just declaring the name of Jesus. Peace came. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I’m serious, there’s serious power in His name. They gave me some medicine, massaged my belly, and who knows what else but the bleeding stopped. PRAISE. I was reunited with my baby on my chest as my doctor finished up- what a good distraction that was. It was so surreal. We had our golden hour of sweet skin-to-skin and bonding time and my family came in to meet our baby. (My brother was the sweetest and brought that In-N-Out at 1am. BEST. MEAL. EVER.)

Postpartum has been full of sweet snuggles and amazing getting to know our boy, but its also been a rough recovery; I hurt my hip and back in delivery and found myself in physical therapy. That’s all for another post so stay tuned for our postpartum road and maybe some stuff no ones tells you about that 4th trimester.

What is absolutely INSANE, is that pregnancy was no walk in the park for me, labor and delivery was HARD WORK, postpartum was a ROUGH RECOVERY, but I’d absolutely do it cllllll over again. You, my Travvy, were worth it ALL.

Congrats you made it through my longest post ever. <3

 Checked into Triage Video

Hallway Walking Video 

All checked into triage

In our room

This sweet set up waiting for the boy

Theres nothing like that sweet sound of baby’s heartbeat on the monitor

TRAVIS

OBVI post epidural, post nap

Our last selfie without a babe

Baby Soy’s Sweet New Cry Video

]

Meeting Dada

Meeting Dada Video

Our first night

Going Home

Leaving the Hospital Video 

 In the Car Video 

Welcome Home Travis Baker

 

 

 

XO,

 

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No one talks much about the times of “trying” to convince. So let’s talk about it. First of all, I hate the word “trying.” It insinuates that you have any real control in the matter. And when you “try”and don’t get pregnant that month- instant feels of failure and frustration come flooding in- because you were trying and it didn’t work?

I know that’s not the truth but let’s be real… that’s how it feels. Everyone’s journey to becoming parents is different. There’s some people that say they can think about getting pregnant and they are (good for them) … and then there’s some of us that…  it takes time. There are people who start families with IVF treatments or adoption. They are all beautiful, perfect families. BUT as with anything, comparing your family’s story to others’ is a trap. Try really hard not to get stuck in it.

So you decide you want to start a family.

You stop whatever birth control you’ve been using and the excitement of the unknown rushes in. It’s amazing. We were so giddy. It was our little secret that no one knew we were hoping to become pregnant that month. Ovulation. With my personality I told myself I wasn’t going to start testing my ovulation right away because I would become obsessed over it and suck the joy out of it. So I had a fertility app, but didn’t necessarily track my ovulation. The two weeks between ovulation and projected period; arguably thee absolute longest two weeks of your LIFE. And in that (if you’re anything like me)…. every twinge or feeling in your body…. you must be pregnant. Not to mention that PMS symptoms are identical to early pregnancy symptoms (insert eye roll here).

Early pregnancy tests. “Oh you can test five days sooner than estimated period”; Also known as “take a pregnancy test every single day for 5 days before your missed period.” And they’re negative. Every time. Then your period comes.It’s really a roller coaster of emotions because, face it, you’re disappointed that you’re not pregnant amidst the usual PMS hormones. Every emotion heightened.

The subsequent month cycles are just about the same. You’re still excited because maybe this month is the month. But that negative test robs you of a little joy every time only one line shows. 

More months pour in… and I had to get a grip on my emotions. Because every one you know is getting pregnant and every time you log onto social media there’s another pregnancy announcement of people you don’t even really know and there you are: not pregnant, but hopelessly desiring to be. Honestly, it sucks. All the terrible thoughts start flooding in now.  Something has to be wrong with me. Will I ever be able to get pregnant? Are we even ready to be parents? Maybe it’s not for us. These are the lies that really steal your joy. And they’re just that- lies. 

I promised myself I wouldn’t test early anymore. I would be late before testing. I promised myself I’d commit more time to praying about our future family than tracking my days on some app. I laid it down. 

The thing that really was a game changer for me was time spent in prayer and the Word. I believe there’s a God who created life in the beginning, who is all powerful, who is a good God that holds back nothing good from his children. 

The one scripture that I stood on was Jeremiah 1:5. It says “Before I formed you in your mothers womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart.” 

BEFORE the creator started knitting my baby in this womb… he knew him. And I could rest in that. Before I knew I was pregnant… God knew this baby. He knows all your not yet conceived  babies. He’s set them apart with plans and purposes. He’s a good God that can be trusted. He can handle your emotions of wanting a baby. He loves that little thing more than you do. I hope you can find rest in that. 

There’s a day your baby has set before it to come earthside. In the right generation. My perspective changed when I realized how dare I want to rush that. I wanted Baby G to be born in his time, to enter school when he’s suppose to, to grow up in the time frame he’s called to. To be influential in the time he’s destined to. To turn 30 the year he’s suppose to. And the amazing part is I don’t have to know when that is…. but there’s a God who already knows it and he’s trustworthy to see it through. 

And let’s talk about how His ways are so much higher than ours?! If we had gotten pregnant when we wanted to…. so many things would have been different.  We got pregnant in the perfect timing that our family that lives across the country was all together to tell them. And by the time this baby is born…. BOTH sets of our parents moved to Arizona. It’s kinda a dream for me. The months of “trying” were working things out in me but also allowing time for God to orchestrate his bigger plans. And for that I’m so grateful.

The months of lonely empty wombs are worth it!!!!!

So if you’re “trying” and having a hard time…. know that was me, too.
Text me, message me because you’re not alone.

XO,

,

 

 

          

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